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Location: Conway, Arkansas, United States
Interests: spiritual(ism/ity), nature, philosophy, GOOD theology, history, art, music, Faith and the Muse, Rhea's Obsession, The Phantom of the Opera, Byzantine chant, Amedeo Modigliani, Remedios Varo, Gustav Klimt, Michail Vrubel, mysticism, Candomble, Orthodoxy, Pacifism, Quakerism, parks, the rain, Russia, dead languages, grafiti, Neil Gaiman, talking to people...not their masks, living for a reason, dying for a reason, mild schitzophrenia, photography, writing, truth, Indian and Thai food
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|Semagic 22.214.171.124U - jesuisgringoire @ livejournal.comGeschwind syndrome, also known as Waxman-Geschwind syndrome or "Gastaut-Geschwind" is a characteristic personality syndrome consisting of symptoms such as circumstantiality (excessive verbal output, stickiness, hypergraphia), altered sexuality (usually hyposexuality, meaning a decreased interest), and intensified mental life (deepened cognitive and emotional responses), hyper-religiosity and/or hyper-morality or moral ideas, that is present in some epilepsy patients. This syndrome is particularly associated with usually left-side temporal lobe epilepsy. For identification, the term "Geschwind syndrome" has been suggested as a name for this group of behavioral phenomena.|
The symptoms felt by the patient with TLE and the signs observable by others during seizures depend upon the specific areas of the temporal lobes and neighboring brain areas affected by the seizure. The Classification of Epileptic Seizures published in 1981 by the International League Against Epilepsy (ILAE) recognizes three types of seizures which persons with TLE may experience.
- Simple Partial Seizures (SPS) involve small areas of the temporal lobe and do not affect consciousness. These are seizures which primarily cause sensations. These sensations may be mnestic such as déjà vu (a feeling of familiarity), jamais vu (a feeling of unfamiliarity), a specific single or set of memories, or amnesia. The sensations may be auditory such as a sound or tune, or gustatory such as a taste, or olfactory such as a smell that is not truly present. Sensations can also be visual or involve feelings on the skin or in the internal organs. The latter feelings may seem to move over the body. Dysphoric or euphoric feelings, fear, anger, and other sensations can also occur during SPS. Often, it is hard for persons with SPS of TLE to describe the feeling. SPS are often called "auras," and are sometimes thought to be preludes to more severe seizures.
While awake some common symptoms of simple partial seizures are:
- preserved consciousness
- sudden and inexplainable feelings of fear, anger, sadness, happiness or nausea
- experiencing of unusual feelings or sensations
- altered sense of hearing, smelling, tasting, seeing, and tactile perception (sensory illusions and/or hallucinations), or feeling as though the environment is not real or detachment from the environment (depersonalization)
- a sense of spatial distortion--things close by may appear to be at a distance.
- déjà vu (familiarity) or jamais vu (infamiliarity)
- laboured speech or inability to speak at all
- usually the event is remembered in detail
um, so wow. apperently there is a scientific name for people who are extremely clingy ("stickiness", thats what that means), hyper-religous, write compulsively, have mood swings, see and hear things, and have feelings of energy rushing across their body. I may very well have temporal lobe epilepsy...which would explain the twitching altered-state-of-consciousness stuff that goes on when I write sometimes (SO interesting that that's a common symptom) interesting...that would explain why my mom's family has way more than its fair share of writers, monks, spiritualists, and the like. my brother had grand mal seizures as an infant, too.
lol I tried to find more information on it and the result was a documentary on Amma Ma (a hindu woman who channels the goddess 24/7 and has for years, an unusual but not unheard of thing in India, they tend to form large followings, she has a charity and I think she's the real deal. there's a creepier guy who claims to be shiva incarnate who I totally don't believe, but Amma Ma is the shit)...apparently she had the syndrome too, though hers was rather more pronounced than mine if I have it...though it seems likely I do, waaay too many random symptoms for it to be a coincidence, plus someone who was formally diagnosed with it noticed I write like someone who has it and asked if I did, which is what prompted me to check it out. its kind of awesome that all the times I have freaked out and wanted to vomit over the moral complexities of driving or grocery shopping or not being a plant have a recognizable anatomic locus in the brain and that all my other quirks seem to go with it. apparently when they stimulate the part of the brain this is in (left temporal lobe) people start seeing white light and being at peace and feeling like they have seen god. doesn't make the experience less real (because we can look at an eye and tell you *how* you see a tree doesn't mean the tree isn't real)...but it does give me a fun name for whats happening. this totally makes me feel better about seeing things and makes what happens when I write make SOOOOOOOO much more sense. a lot of those seizure symptoms, like depersonalization and spatial distortion and inability to speak and general "unusual feelings or sensations", hell, pretty much all of them, happen when I get into a certain frame of mind and usually involve me writing like crazy on a mystically themed topic, and rapid head jerks or shivering or something like that when I get to that stage is not at all uncommon (thank god this doesn't happen in public much, people "getting into my aura" aside). jesus christ this makes so much sense. wow, I'm impressed. thank you, q-folk, for the question!
awesomeness. I'm somewhat amused that people consider this a disease, though. doesn't bother me in the slightest (well, perpetual moral crises, paranoia, and guilt aside)...why do people want to be things they aren't?
also: fuck designer babies. not literally. I hate that people would chose to get rid of all these interesting things about humanity because they are aberations. fuck fuck FUCK people who want to clean up the genome. I am fine.
|Semagic 126.96.36.199U - jesuisgringoire @ livejournal.comwow, so the algebra test I stressed over took all of 15 minutes and I don't think I missed a single question. I think a single exercize on the stupid online homework takes longer and was move confusing in general. I now have half an hour until my anatomy test, and I should probably be studying, but while I was in the shower making myself a few minutes late for class, I sang a little, and realized exactly what I want to do.|
like a good little citizen I was reading my newspaper, (er, browsing my virtual aggregate multi-news-network .swf), and noticed this story.
HIV prevalence among gay and bisexual men in Bangkok rose to 30.7 percent in 2007 from 17.3 percent in 2003. In Jakarta, it increased to 8.1 percent from 2 percent within the same period.
Some countries in Asia, such as Singapore, Malaysia and those in South Asia still have in place anti-sodomy laws, which are formidable barriers to people getting treatment and help, and they frustrate efforts at disease prevention, experts said.
"A young (gay) man went to a clinic for treatment and was slapped by a doctor and scolded for being a bad person. The doctor refused to treat him and he was thrown out," said Shivananda Khan of the help group Naz Foundation International.
"It is not uncommon, it happens in Pakistan, Bangladesh, India, Myanmar," Khan told Reuters.
while planning to be a psychologist, I kind of intended to do glbtq counseling. then, as a social work major, I wanted to work with immigrants in particular, but possibly also queers. then I discovered the idea of epidemology and public health and related fields, and decided that gay men's health makes perfect sense and that I could work in prevention. now I'm doing nursing, and when I asked what area of specialization was most useful for nurses who wanted to do volunteer work abroad, tropical diseases and HIV were listed as major. I want to do HIV/AIDS nursing. and I want to do it in India long enough to get a real sense of the culture, not to mention make a real difference. it makes complete sense because it's pretty much everything I'm passionate about or interested in combined, with the possible exception of ecology...it would also be a completely perfect lead-in to an anthropology career, which would let me transition smoothly into academics if/when I decided I didn't want to do nursing anymore.
if I could do it in Bangalore it would be amazing...if I could get Quaker congregations in the US to partner with Lingayat groups in Karnataka, it would be fucking fantastic. I received a polite, rather vague reply from a lingayat group based in Bangalore I emailed once, asking about gay rights. his basic response was that Lingayats have pushed the envelope on human rights since the middle ages, marrying princesses to untouchables and letting women lead on a very regular basis, but that they haven't really talked much about gay people, despite the fact they really don't have anything against them...officially having nothing against anyone. It actually sounds rather like the position the Quakers were in last century, with a fantastic human rights record that hadn't let extended to the queer community simply because of a lack of awareness. Lingayats also already have a strong infrastructure with lots of connections in social work and public health things in India. hmmmmm. this could be very cool. I should probably review for anatomy now, though.
|Semagic 188.8.131.52U - jesuisgringoire @ livejournal.comI don't understand how I can go to bed at 2am, wake up at 8:30am, and groan and go back to sleep until 2pm...but when I go to bed at 9pm, I get the same 6.5 hours of sleep and am wide awake at 3:30am with no hope of continued slumber. oh well. I woke up with an excited drone of "grottogrottogrotto" stuck in my head and occasional melodic reminders of "south facing windows!" in falsetto. I think at some point I dreamed about singing operatically. I've always wondered if I occasionally sing in my sleep, it wouldn't surprise me. last thing I really remember was my grandmother inviting little old ladies into her family room and introducing us with "here's my grandson Nathan who is living in little rock with his parents after he tanked in school", to which they would obligingly reply "well what made you return to little rock after you tanked?" "tanked?" wtf, who uses that word? I don't know. I politely explained that hendrix was overpriced and that CBC was evangelical and that evangelicals should not be allowed to teach science, putting a very fine point on that because I wanted to offend the old bat. I don't think I'd be that rude awake. I don't think they would be either.|
I just finished a bag of sun chips. I read something once about how they suspect keeping foods in plastics may do something to them that increases the risk of cancer. I think a lot that pretty much all we're going to end up keeping of modern life is medicine. I'm too fond of the internet, though. my second thought after that was "I should devote myself entirely to medical science!", and then I realized that that's pretty much nonsense and that any science is still more or less dead as far as questions of ethics and meaning come into play. I'm still intrigued enough by what we've touched on in anatomy that I want to go back and study more later. cellular metabolism seemed very interesting. the fact that the nervous system carries not electrical impulses but ionic impulses (is that even what they're called?) is downright fascinating. I don't even know what it really means, my chemistry background is very rudimentary. something about charged particles, but I don't know how its different from electricity. it also seems to imply that all that stuff about our auras being electromagnetic energy and an extension of our literal, physical bodies is probably bullshit. doesn't mean I've stopped believing in "energy" and whatnot, just that people should stop pretending to have a clue what it is. if ionic current (again, how the hell does this work? I need to take a class on the nervous system) were to somehow extend beyond the body into the air around us, wouldn't it smell like ozone all the time? what does ozone even smell like? can I speak to whoever's in charge of the new age movement, please? we have some issues.
also, before I went to bed I skimmed an ebook I got from piratebay called "55 ways to have fun with google". quite a few of them were stupid - but "design your dream house in google sketchup" was not at all a bad suggestion. it's free 3D design software that I've fucked around with before. I think it's part of the system they use on google earth to render buildings and such in 3D (check out NYC on google earth if you don't know what I mean). I don't knew enough about design principles yet, but I want to play with it anyway...it's not even wasting paper at this point. I just googled "grotto" and got very little in response. I did add one of those little "citation needed" things to the wikipedia article on them. someone was claiming it was fact that fear of the unknown prompted religious interest in grottos...the religion-from-fear argument always annoys me. especially when applied to neolithic man, who A) has a reputation for living in caves, not fearing them, and B) was probably just as interested in the unknown as we are...end of rant: "How many people do you know who aren't scared to drive a herd of angry mammoths over a cliff, but are afraid of the dark?" grr @ the eventual necessity of an anthropology degree. I'd write a fascetious analysis of prom as a fearful ritual of ignorance...but nobody would get it, and it might actually be true. oh well.
back to what I was saying...definitely a grotto shower/bath area, and a sauna. do books get ruined in saunas? because sauna reading sounds even better than bathtub reading. I wonder if I could set up a system where grey water from various places got collected and ran as a little stream as part of it? I think grey water was supposed to be used for the greenhouse, though. I'm not averse to using city water and being at least marginally wasteful...(erm, assuming the figure of an inefficient showerhead putting out 4 gallons of water per minute, and of a pound of beef requiring 2500 gallons of water to produce, I could shower wastefully for 10 hours for every few hamburgers I didn't eat and still come out even with a meat eater who never bathed...jesus christ, quoth newsweek "the water that goes into a 1,000 pound steer would float a destroyer." I'll let myself feel not-guilty for long enough to bathe). I could find some cool bits of colored glass and stuff to do mosaic with, too. mosaic strikes me as a very appropriate artform for a society drowning in its own trash. post zombie-apocalypse one thing we're sure to have in abundance is colorful chips of excess everything.
<lj-cut text="here's some ideas">
these two are definitely similar to what I have in mind for the shower, though I think I really want it to be ridiculous and over the top. eat your heart out, hugh hefner. except I think a pool is probably excessive. maybe a whirlpool bathtub. maybe surround sound. it will probably be further back in the earth-sheltered part of the house, too, so windows are unlikely. I'd have to figure out how to make it not freezing. definitely insulate the rock-wall from the actual earth...I might be un-romantic and use the recycled, earth-packed tires idea. fucking fantastic insulation, and in a lot of places you can actually get paid for taking the tires instead of paying for building materials. be great if most of the costs were for good location, ornamentation, and bells and whistles. I'd rather spend everything I would've spent on labor and conventional materials on making it pretty and luxurious...though environmentally friendly as much as possible. *wonders how brutally inefficient heated pools are* that's probably a bit much...but if it kept me in good shape and/or was part of a co-op and therefore public, why the hell not?
while I was showering I was also worrying if I might be becoming a yuppie. then I realized most yuppies probably don't want to live underground and they probably don't daydream about having compost toilets to go with their grottoes. I was also thinking of just making the bathroom public-style with stalls and such because I'd really rather just have large numbers of people sharing most of the house with me anyway. not in the bathroom simultaneously, mind you (well...sauna/shower could be put to some interesting uses...) but sharing nonetheless. ooo, I could probably do a skylight, that would be cool. stained glass or regular...*shrug* of course you wouldn't see much through glass in a sauna anyway, so no point trying to let the moon in that way.
for the greenhouse I'm thinking I want to do some sort of wrought-iron art nouveau thing. sort of like this:
vaguely like this, as far as curved roof and supports go. easier to put glass into and less squarish...but it would be better with the organic motiff and sort of branching thing the creole ironwork has.
we'll see. it might just be a very slight embellishment - just nothing outright raw and industrial looking. art nouveau doesn't always cover that sort of thing.
the roof in this isn't awful, but the design could be a bit more symetrical, and the pillars are atrocious. I definitely want the pillars to be the same as the roof.
I'm open to materials other than iron - I don't know what works best/is least environmentally offensive. bronze? copper? copper ages green, which is attractive and appropriate for plants...but I dunno. it might be simpler to have the ornamental stuff on the inside and just have plain sheets of glass overtop. I know nothing whatsoever about making a greenhouse.
this guy has an amazing website. he talks about the grotto shower idea, as well as having a random waterfall in your house (...maybe) and doing lofts and curved stairs. his theme seems to be bypassing contractors and doing work that would otherwise cost thousands of dollars for yourself.
now I'm off to restart to see if sketchup's going to work...it was having startup issues so I just updated my graphics driver. *crosses fingers*
|Semagic 184.108.40.206U - jesuisgringoire @ livejournal.comsomething seems to be waking up. for several weeks I'd been feeling kind of without the Goddess for some reason. I'd still genuflect to |my her icon but while doing so I'd be thinking "you might just be an archetype in my subconscious and not actually real" and so on. I'm not a stickler for orthodoxy and if I ever wonder if she's not real I'll talk to her about it, rather like talking to myself...she's inside me either way. over the last few days she's come back with gusto, though.
two nights ago I dreamed something about old indian (feather not dot) ladies...specifically about some sort of ancestor worship that involved a school trip and my large extended family (same relationship energy but not necessarily as waking life but not necessarily the same people attatched), and a cemetary and possibly some sort of mask. there was some sort of dispute but at the same time I was very seriously genuflecting before both her tomb and her image, and then suddenly grandmother was in the midst of us, and she was a matronly native american woman. possibly part of my developing family mythos of the first quakers on this continent and the my translator-patriarch's eloping with the lenape. it might've been his wife, mary, but I don't know. I'm inclined to think it was, because I just wrote out "first wife" instead of wife, for no reason at all, which if true could partially explain the confusion about her in the record, though so could racism. I don't know. ashe mama...
then, last night, I went to sleep, but got disturbed by a feeling of my literal, living paternal grandmother being there. she wasn't upset, but she was looking for me. I was more alarmed because she's supposed to be alive in pennsylvania than because she was there in general. I talked to whatever it was for a little bit and wished it well. I'm going to assume it wasn't her, since I'm also assuming I would've heard something by now if something had happened to her. it might've been her dreaming, too, I don't know. once I commended whatever it was to God (twice, once as an ancestor and once as a meddlesome spirit, both gestures of peace and good will, the later not necessarily something the recipient would want), it left me alone and I got to sleep.
however, once I was asleep I dreamed strange dreams. something about a massive storm on the horizon, watching it from a strange stylized version of my dorm room (non-uca specific). a wall of dark cloud from heaven to horizon, and lightning and thunder like nothing I've ever seen. (heh, when I write that a mournful, plaintive wail from Udit Narayan comes on in the random song that was playing, I have a coughing fit, and I come back to a song from a different movie, about awaiting the rain). either in that dream, or a different one, I kept dreaming of dreaming. in the dreams there was something there...something bothering people, and I was passionate and firery about dismissing it. I'm told I'm the least intimidating person my friends know, but when something like this comes on me I always feel like I could spit lightning...I felt energy racing over every pore and firm command backed with no small amount of threat as I demanded whatever it was go in the name of Goddess and God. come to think of it, there was authority in that relationship that I don't normally claim, priesthood perhaps. I don't know. still just dreams...I can't remember who I was protecting, but I think it might've been Sarah. not sure.
I went to bed thinking how I wanted to design a house, with a greenhouse and a porch with a double layer of pillars so it was a long shady outdoor room. I thought maybe take old tree stumps with twisting roots and use them as the capitals for the pillars.
something like this, smooth and fairly thin, with lots of twisting roots:
or maybe just an artistic immitation of the same.
holy shit. look at the "how" section. it's straw bale construction, which I've wanted to learn for a while. it's also fucking beatiful and pretty much all of it is byproducts of forestry or agriculture. now I'm just going to have to find land in washington and figure out how one runs plumbing and wiring into them, though preferably the energy will also be sustainable and so on.
other things to think about: I want a greenhouse attatched. and possibly a sauna. hot tub is possible but a plain and simple sauna would do nicely. and compost toilets. how do environmentalists wash their clothes? stained glass and organic art-deco all over fo' sho. I want it to look like rachel carson read victor hugo before drawing up blueprints, and then tolkein had a bad curry and vomited all over them. that simile should probably have been illegal. japanese garden? definitely a forest garden/permaculture thing. and maybe a grove...*squee* it would be large-ish. living room, kitchen/dining room (though the greenhouse/porch/garden would be preferable for eating, and make composting easy), music room, and enough bed-space for a family and guests. maybe another room for crafts and music. at least one room open to a whole wall of windows facing the appropriate direction for plants. preferably with a nice view and no neighbors looking back inside from that direction. *squee*
|Semagic 220.127.116.11U - jesuisgringoire @ livejournal.comso I was extremely worried about the algebra test I took on friday, figured I might have failed, that I definitely didn't feel anything near as comfortable as I would have liked to. I made an 86. I've skipped every class period but the first day and the first test. *victory dance*|